My period wracked my body with no mercy this week. It started Sunday afternoon, the day before I had to go back to my job.
I felt like crap all week. I had a extra hard time with my speech and could barely answer the phones at work. I started to block on the greeting I had been using for almost two months and suddenly could not say it anymore. As a result my self-esteem went down the drain almost immediately and I started to feel like a total failure. I was extra self-conscious and it made it worse. When I came home I had a banging headache and felt sick. And my period raged on, making me feel tired and clammy. Not even chocolate or a hot bath could save me. I tried both.
Yesterday during a bathroom visit I felt the scariest sensation. I had been sitting all day at my desk and so when I stood up my period opened the floodgates and I thought I was going to bleed out and die. I panicked and cried silently thinking the end was nigh and wondering how I was going to go to the hospital in case it wouldn’t stop.
All day today my speech grew harder to control. I can’t get the words out that I need to say when I answer the phone. I feel like a failure. I watched as my co-workers brought in boxes and thought to myself how much of an incompetent worker I am, and how I don’t deserve to work here. My social anxiety makes me put off asking for help and most of my tasks get done at the last minute because I procrastinate due to fear. And my inability to properly answer the phone makes it all so much worse. I started to cuss myself out inside my head and I told myself I am horrible at what I do. I started to think about how much I’d love to just quit and run like hell away from here.
Maybe it’s my hormones. Maybe it’s my anxiety. Maybe it’s my depression. All I know is, I don’t feel too hot. My brain and my body is worn. I am worn from my monthly cycle and worn from my anxiety. I am so grateful to God that tomorrow is my weekend. I plan on curling up in my bed and hiding from the rest of the world for as long as I can.
